Adventures of the Brown Kiwi's: I'm Sorry I Killed You

I think that I have committed a form of plant-icide. I have murdered a group of little innocent seedlings. They never saw it coming. They expected me to care for them to take care of their needs....But noooo...I tore them from the fertile earth just when they started to grow. What can I say? I'm an idiot.

I thought I was a smart person. I was so wrong. Anyone that has to go online or to the library and get a book called "Gardening for Idiots" is an idiot. Who knew that this was going to be so damned hard?!
I don't know what possessed me to think that I could grow anything. I have a black thumb. I kill anything green or plant like. Something is wrong with me. Maybe I secrete plant poison from my pores? (Hope FBI/CIA/X-files doesn't come looking for me) All I know is that I had no business trying to do a vegetable garden after the "Incident"...

Killer Instinct
The "Incident" has to be the single most indicting piece of proof regarding my poisonous hands.
When I lived in Alabama, I had a friend (Elizabeth) that I met working. We worked everyday together and became inseparable. She and I were close. When I was leaving, Elizabeth got me a orchid bulb, wrapped in burlap fabric and I promised that I would plant it and keep in on my window sill and think about our good times in Alabama. Well, in the craziness of the move, my delicate orchid got packed away and moved to our new home in Houston. I didn't find it until 2 months later when I was unpacking the last of our boxes. I felt terrible that I had forgotten such an important gift. What was amazing about my orchid is that it had actually sprouted! No water, no sun, no soil. Packed away in a box with little to no air..in darkness, my orchid started to sprout! I immediately took it out, carefully unwrapped the fabric around the roots/bulb and followed the instructions on planting it. It died. Seriously. After 2 months in a box with no sun, water or soil, I touch it and it dies. That's me. The Green Killer.

So here we are in New Zealand and I am confronted everyday with the black gold that these people have for soil. I have heard that you can throw a nail down and get a nail garden. Anything will grow!
So now, about 6 weeks after my backbreaking work to till my garden and sow my seeds, I have started to see the fruit of my labor. Not actually fruit but gigantic things. Unfortunately, I have no idea what is a weed and what is a plant. I did everything by the book. I removed all weeds to prep the soil, mixed in compost and something even nastier called "blood and bone" (it is EXACTLY what it says it is!!!!). I watered the soil and then carefully planted every seed EXACTLY how the package said. I'm sure I looked like an idiot out in the garden with a ruler, measuring the exact depth that the seeds were supposed to go in. I even had to call my friend, Amanda to ask her "How many seeds go in a hole?" Who has to ask that? I'm terrible at this!!
Anyway, I got my garden all planted. The only thing I was able to salvage from the prior garden was a carrot and some celery.

Garden...BW (Before Weeding)

Garden, after the "Great Weeding"

See my 3 celery plants I was able to salvage? And my ?turnip, collard, mustard green at the back right

In the Beginning, there was Nothing

Oh, what a difference a month makes.
One week after I planted my seeds, I had sprouts. Not little sprouts but pretty big sprouts. That can't be from my planting, right? The package says 2-4 weeks.

One month after planting...wow!

Three weeks after, I had a mini jungle. I had no idea what was growing. Yes, I carefully labeled each row and used garden twine to mark off individual veggie rows. But what the hell was growing in them?
Before you laugh, how many of ya'll city slickers know what the heck a young zucchini plant looks like? Or a cucumber plant? or any vegetable plant for that matter? I don't!

They're growing!!!

The Survivors of the Weeding...(Near to Far)

Broccoli, Mescalin Lettuce, Red Onion

So about 4 weeks after I "sowed my seeds" I had to weed the garden.
It started innocently enough...I started pulling up....uh, stuff. Then I realized that some of the stuff I was pulling up was stuff I have meticulously planted last month! Dammit! I killed half a row of carrots and lettuce before I realized that they were not weeds! I also pulled up two potatoes (by mistake) thinking they were weeds. In my defense, I didn't think there was any way that something that I JUST PLANTED could be that big!! What the heck is in this soil? Nuclear waste? Steroids? My potatoes grew from little potato-lings to plants just like that!!!

Oh, and the celery...

I'm going to call and see if I qualify for the biggest celery in New Zealand...

The celery was here when I got here. It was obviously celery. It had been overgrown by weeds and I carefully pulled away all the weeds and cleaned up around the roots. I guess the celery just needed that little boost to shoot to the sky. I am pretty convinced that what I have is not celery but a tree that looks like celery. Unfortunately, the celery will be sacrificed to the Celery Gods on tomorrow. Why? Two reasons...
1) It has grown so big that it has "flowered" and according to gardeners that know something (not me), once the plant flowers, the fruit/vegetable is past its harvest. How was I supposed to know that?! I'm letting the dang thing grow to the sky. I thought that is what you wanted? Big, giant food!
2) The celery is now a whopping 6+ foot tall. Who in the heck would eat over 18 feet of celery? And the celery is blocking the sunlight for the poor little broccoli seedlings next to it. Its not fair for the broccoli. The celery has got to go.